Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? A: One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

 

[HunterMarkus]

There's a bus driver and he's driven through town picking up kids he picks up this one kid and the bus driver watched the kid get sit down and everything and the kid started tapping his feet and wiggling his hands just kind of doing jazz hands. And the bus driver asks the kid what he was doing he says "what are you doing with your hands and feet" The boy says "got the rhythm got he beat got the rhythmn in my feet" The bus driver says "oh okay" so he goes to the next stop and he picked up another kid and he starts tapping his feet and wiggling his hands And the bus driver asked the kid what he was doing and he says "got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in my feet" The bus driver says "okay" and so he went to the very last stop and he picks up the last kid and that kid sat down and he does the same thing he tapps his feet and wiggles his hands And the bus driver says "let me guess got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in your feet" The kid says "nope, got a booger on my finger and I can't get it off!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said.� "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."

 

[HunterMarkus]

One day on a bus, every passenger was female but the driver. There was a student, a waitress, a flight attendant, a slut and a nun. Then a guy boarded the bus and declared a hold up. So everybody gave their money, jewelries and other pricey belongings. But the guy wasn't contented he said " I will rape each one of you" so everybody got more nevous and afraid, the students and other ladies went crying. So the Slut stood up and told the guy "Just rape me, since that is the nature of my job, I don't care how many times you want to do it, just let them go." But the Nun slapped the slut in the face and said "Will you shut up? didn't you hear what he said"? He said EVERYBODY!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: "What in God's name do you use that for?", he asks. The corporal replies "Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny...." "Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on" About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he'd get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. "Bring me to the camel" says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. "Well", he says, "is that the way you men do it around here?" "Er...no, sir", replies the corporal, "We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel."

 

[HunterMarkus]

The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?" The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

 

[HunterMarkus]

An englishman an irishman and a scotsman were in the sweltering desert walking around looking desperatly for something to eat and drink, when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared. The englishman caught the camel and spluttered I support "Liverpool, so I suppose I better eat the liver." The scotsman immediately shouted, "Well I support Hearts so I'll eat the heart." And then the rather mentally challenged irishman said, "I support Arsenal, but I don't feel hungry any more."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?

 

[HunterMarkus]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Four women were playing golf. The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men. One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help," she begged. "I'm a professional physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your pain." "No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute," he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch. The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed. She gently took his hands away from his crotch. Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts like crazy."

 

[HunterMarkus]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

 

[Kata]

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants". Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week. Santa travels a lot. Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

 

[Kata]

Mr. Marcus was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Mr. Marcus, "You are to confer with the defendant in the conference room, and give him the best legal advice you can." After a time, Mr. Marcus re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Mr. Marcus replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to make a run for it."

 

[hunting4sanity]