Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

Wal-Mart announced plans to open its first retail stores in India and China. Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read, "Made Here."

 

[HunterMarkus]

There was a Microsoft Tech Support guy who joined the Army. He was hopeless on the firing range with a pistol. He shot a whole clip and never even hit the target. The Drill Instructor was not happy with his performance, and *informed* him of this. The Tech Support guy went back to his position, reloaded, put his fingertip over the end of the barrel, and pulled the trigger, which, of course, neatly removed the end of his finger. 'Well,' he said to the D.I., clutching his finger, 'it's coming out of the gun all right. It must be a problem on your end.'

 

[HunterMarkus]

There's a Greek, a Turk and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a SLAP!! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Greek sitting there looking perplexed. The Turk is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. The Turk is thinking "Ya Allah, that Greek must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, "that Turk must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Greek instead and got slapped." The Greek was thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Turk again."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A monkey with a machine gun.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wanted to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it was a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay. If you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little perplexed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex."

 

[HunterMarkus]

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?" The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?" The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?" The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Two fraud men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?" The blind men reply "yeah of course" So the blind men give the fraud men £2000 each. The fraud men drive them up to blackpool and put them on the beach, and then go to the pub, Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored. So they buy them a ball and give it to them. The blind men go "Whats this?" "Its a ball," replies one of the fraud men "Well we cant see it!" The fraud men think shit what we gonna do, they spot a donkey with bells round its neck so they go and buy sum bells and wrap them round the ball, and then go back the pub. Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you what the world today its demented" "Why?" ask the fraud men. "Because theres 20 blind men kicking shit through a donkey on the beach!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond says, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

The Toronto Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: "We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks." They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: "To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end." They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked them how the concert was they replied: "The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A businessman who had too much alcohol at his company's christmas party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the sharply dressed man couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man, becoming a little flustered answered, "Sure, let me just....," and opened the garage. Sure enough the car in the garage was a state troopers car.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too." Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez were in a terrible accident where Marc Anthony's face was severely burned. The doctor told Marc that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the adoring wife Jennifer Lopez offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her firm buttocks. Marc and Jennifer agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the Marc's new beauty. He looked more beautiful than he ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthfulness One day, Marc was alone with his wife Jennifer, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie.....

 

[HunterMarkus]

Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.