Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

A guy brings a Antelope home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?" He repies , "In the bedroom." "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Antelope walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Antelopees mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the Antelope. "Your name is written inside the cover."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man and his pet Antelope walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my Antelope." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Antelope falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a Antelope."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a Antelope sitting next to him. "Are you a Antelope?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The Antelope replied, "Well, I liked the book."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why did the farmer name his pig ink? A: Because he kept running ot of his pen

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

 

[HunterMarkus]

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Four women were playing golf. The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men. One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help," she begged. "I'm a professional physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your pain." "No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute," he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch. The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed. She gently took his hands away from his crotch. Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts like crazy."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

 

[hunting4sanity]

Some people are like clouds,

When they go away the day just gets better!

 

[hnterfl]

If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.

 

[hnterfl]

I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

 

[hnterfl]

I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Once there was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always talking about his aching testicles his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied..."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[HunterMarkus]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[HunterMarkus]

One day, Santa saw a young deer with a glowing nose of red...he smiled at him and waved to young creature. The deer dropped his bottle of gin and exclaimed "Oh Sh!t...it's Santa!" And ran away. Santa rubbed his beard and shook his head. "I think I'll call that one Rude-off."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A 61 year old employee, Roger Stephens, allegedly slapped a 2 year old toddler he’d never even seen before because she wouldn’t stop crying in a Walmart store in Georgia. The girl’s mother later told the local news, "That man is probably one of the worst greeters they’ve ever hired!"