Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[hnterfl]

Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp... He's probably thick and tired of it.

 

[hnterfl]

Did you ever hear about that movie "Constipation"? It never came out.

 

[James.Grage]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more…”

So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

 

[35bore]

Little Johnny joke.

Teacher was going through the alphabet and asking the students to think of a word that started with that letter.

Teacher asked, What word starts with A
(Johnnys hand shot up) the teacher didn't dare call on Johnny. She called on Suzy. Suzy said apple.

Teacher asked, What word starts with B (again Johnnys hand went up like a rocket) the teacher again realized the bad word associated with the letter. So she called on Thomas. Thomas said ball.

This scenario continues until the letter R. She said the lettle R (again Johnnys hand shot up). The very well educated teacher thought and thought, and couldn't think of a single bad word that started with R.

She then called on Johnny. What word starts with R then Johnny? Johnnys response, "Rat, a big F***ing rat, with a D*ck this long"..........

 

[npm352]

 

[PHOENIX PHIL]

@patsyzambia posted this on FB and it cracked me up, so thought I'd share it. Please don't consider this as an entry into this contest.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condom. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.

 

[hunting4sanity]

"No man knows less than the man who knows it all."

Kind of sums up most all of Washington DC these days.

 

[hnterfl]

"The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln

 

[hnterfl]

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

 

[hunting4sanity]

 

[James.Grage]

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she come back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

 

[BRICKBURN]

@patsyzambia posted this on FB and it cracked me up, so thought I'd share it. Please don't consider this as an entry into this contest.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condom. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.

I think that will be an entry for Patsy.

 

[npm352]

Nice sign

 

[npm352]

This should grace your social media page…..

 

[James.Grage]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly … 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”

 

[hunting4sanity]

Funny or overly traumatizing to the young ones?

 

[Silence]

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

 

[Silence]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

[Silence]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

 

[Silence]

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.