Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[AZDAVE]

Old army story. While walking off the range beside a good buddy (That can't shoot the inside of the barn from the inside) the range NCO says "Chief that is the first time you ever qualified on the the first go around and you shot expert to boot." Well being rather bright he accused myself and our other friend on the lane to his other side of possibly hitting a few of his targets. The answer went something like well we didn't have all day to wait around for you to hit 20 out of 40 targets. Besides you hit 10 we just took care of the other 30 for you. However just remember if we go somewhere for real we get your bullets and will give you a couple extra bayonets

 

[Velo Dog]

Truth, is to the Anti-Hunter what garlic is to the Vampire.

 

[Kata]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

 

[Kata]

A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

 

[Kata]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

 

[Kata]

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

 

[HunterMarkus]

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

 

[HunterMarkus]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

 

[HunterMarkus]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

[scheepe]

View attachment 51333

Great so all we have to do is build plenty of small dams on our farm and we will have water for our animals all year......

You are right....only in Africa

One can only laugh about statements like that...

 

[Silence]

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

 

[Silence]

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?
A: "Cheap, cheap!"

 

[Silence]

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

 

[Silence]

A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.

The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.

The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."

 

[Jim Rea]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

 

[hnterfl]

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.

 

[hnterfl]

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

 

[Silence]

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

 

[HunterMarkus]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."