Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[Silence]

A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.

"What was the matter?" she asks.

"Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies.

Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown?
A: The food tastes funny.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

 

[HunterMarkus]

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.

The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."

The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
She replies, "Sorry, this is a library."
The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

 

[Silence]

Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan?
A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging.

 

[Silence]

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

 

[hnterfl]

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

 

[Silence]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

 

[hnterfl]

I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

 

[Silence]

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!'''

 

[Silence]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

 

[Jim Rea]

The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

 

[Africaman]

It has always been said that politics and religion are the two subjects never to mention in public forums, but this true tale of our current culture is too good not to share.
Several years ago, when Obama was seeking his first term, I received an email of actual mug shots of people wearing Obama shirts, buttons, hats, etc. The caption read, "When was the last time you saw someone get arresting wearing a Reagan or Bush, shirt?"
Finding it funny, I shared it with those on my email list saying, "Look at the type of people who support Obama.". Unfortunately, one of my ultra-liberal students, we'll just call him "Matt", found this offensive and replied, "This is racism! Blah, blah, blah". I let it go and several weeks later, after Obama was elected president, "Matt" told me at his lesson, "I will not be at my lesson next week. I am going to Washington DC for Obama's inauguration." I replied, "That's fine. I'll see you the following week."
A week goes by and I receive an email from "Matt" saying, "I need your phone number again. I no longer have my phone or any of my contacts." I send him my phone number and confirmed our lesson time for the week.
The day of our lesson arrives and "Matt" walks into my room. I ask him, "What happened, Matt? Did you lose your phone or break it?" Unbelievably, he replies, "Neither...I was pick pocketed at the inauguration."
I nearly died laughing!!!

 

[Kata]

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

 

[Kata]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

[Kata]

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

[Kata]

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.