Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."

The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.

"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"

"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

 

[Silence]

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

 

[Silence]

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

 

[Silence]

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest d**k.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their d**ks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "A buffet!"

 

[Silence]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.


The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.


The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

 

[Silence]

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."

 

[Silence]

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

 

[Silence]

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

 

[Silence]

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

 

[Silence]

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

 

[Silence]

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

 

[Silence]

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

 

[Silence]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

 

[Silence]

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

 

[Silence]

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.