Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[Silence]

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

[Art Lambart II]

A rancher was having a problem with one of his colts so he takes the colt to the vet. The vet looks at the colt and says he has a cold. The rancher asks how do you know, the vet replies because he's a little horse.

 

[Art Lambart II]

Chief Many Feathers turned 110 years old so the local paper sent a reporter to interview him.
Reporter: Chief you have seen so many thing in your life, the fall of the Indian nations, the rise of the automobile, two world wars and a man walk on the Moon, what was the most significant thing to happen in your life time.
Chief Many Feathers: When I was young Trout choked our streams, Beaver filled our ponds, Buffalo roamed the prairies without number, men hunted and fished all day, woman did all work, then the white-man came.

 

[Hogpatrol]

IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

 

[hnterfl]

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.

 

[woods1126]

 

[watman]

I have no idea why they had to go and ruin Ice Cream.

 

[Velo Dog]

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
So, he invented the ........ .41 Magnum.

 

[lpace]

 

[hnterfl]

If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?

 

[Velo Dog]

Ok. Time I get in on this too, the only funny thing I can think of is me on the dating scene again. If I were to win this I might be hunting a new wife.

An English Best Grade double, built to fit you, in .450/400 Jeffery 3", with Ejectors and spare .303 caliber barrels, will be a lot less trouble and much cheaper as well.

 

[Velo Dog]

Mr. Snail buys a brand new Corvette and pays extra to have one each large "S" painted on both doors.

When asked about this, he replies:

"When I roll through town, I want people to say - Look at that S-Car go!".

 

[Velo Dog]

So, when I make breakfast in bed for you, all I need is a simple "Thank You" and not all this screaming - "How did you get in my house !!"

My Psychiatrist says that my severe narcissism causes me to misread social situations but, I think she's just building up her courage to ask me for a date.

The USA M1-A2 Abrams Heavy Battle Tank - sometimes mistaken for The Wrath of God.

USA Tank Commander: "We dislike collateral damage but, you'd be happier if you stayed out of our way".

My bucket list is simple ...
1. Beer
2. Ice

 

[larry4831]

My boys name is Patrick. When he was in school he was a very very smart young man, as a matter of fact, he was so bright I called him son.

 

[HunterMarkus]

If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

 

[HunterMarkus]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."