Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old times' sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'

 

[HunterMarkus]

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.

Her friend replies, "They didn't last year."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."

The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.

"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"

"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?

A: Her blinker was on.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why does the blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the backseat of her car?

A: In case she locks her keys inside.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.

Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"

The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"

The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

I don't know if you've ever been to Ireland. They are really the nicest people on the face of the earth. You do a show there, you walk into the pub in Ireland -- you have five best friends immediately. I walk into the bar, the first guy I see goes, 'Tell me something.' I'm like, 'Alright.' He goes, 'If you woke up in the morning and there were grass stains on your knees and a condom hanging out of your butt, would you tell anyone?' I'm like, 'Nope. I don't think so. No.' He goes, 'Would you like to go camping with me, laddy?'

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?

A: She's a woman.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?"

The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.

"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."

 

[HunterMarkus]

 

[HunterMarkus]

 

[HunterMarkus]

 

[HunterMarkus]

 

[Silence]

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[Silence]

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.