Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.

She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

 

[HunterMarkus]

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?

A: All of Ken's stuff.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

 

[HunterMarkus]

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

A: He thought his wife was a flake.

 

[HunterMarkus]

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why was the 6'6" guy so brokenhearted after his 4'9" girlfriend dumped him?

A: He was nuts over her.

 

[HunterMarkus]

You got your number two girl: that's normally that real cute chick that thinks she's number one. What she don't realize is all she got on you is a cell phone number. You change that, she won't even know where to find you.

 

[HunterMarkus]

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Now that I'm married, I'm being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, 'Do you think I'm fat?' I said, 'Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see "stupid jackass" written on my face? Do you see "let's have a fight for no apparent reason" written on my face somewhere?'

 

[HunterMarkus]

I went to the store with my wife 'cause we got a gift card from our wedding, and I went with her thinking I could help spend some of the money on the gift card. Rookie move -- apparently, my name is just on there for decoration.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- where else?!"