Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was raped. When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor. When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job."

 

[BRICKBURN]

This one is for bluey

 

[HunterMarkus]

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says, "I understand," and pours two pints.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

 

[gizmo]

 

[James.Grage]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

 

[James.Grage]

I had a flat tire on Highway yesterday so I pulled over, got out of the car, and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men, which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.
People honked and waved and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.
The police officer wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him.
"They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.'' After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''

 

[HunterMarkus]

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?" A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

 

[HunterMarkus]

"Johnny, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?" exclaimed the angry mother. “It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

 

[HunterMarkus]

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

 

[BRICKBURN]

 

[hunting4sanity]

 

[Kata]

One Sunday a Minister feigned illness so he could go deer hunting. That morning he shot a fantastic 14-point buck! Saint Peter looked down from Heaven and said to God, “You aren’t going to let him bag a prize like that are you?” “Why not?” God replied. “Who’s he going to tell?”

 

[Kata]

A deer hunter got on his hands and knees to take a closer at some tracks. That’s when he got hit by the train.

 

[Kata]

 

[Kata]

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. “The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot. Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.” The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?” The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

 

[Kata]

A man and woman were on their first date. The woman was trying to make conversation and said, “So I hear you hunt deer.” The man looked away and turned red. “What’s wrong?” asked the woman. “I’m not used to someone calling me dear on the first date,” the man said.