on a lighter note...

[Timbo]

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Thanks! I just lost my breakfast! Uugghhh!!

 

[Timbo]

My buddies every day bury me with them and that includes some African PHs that I've hunted with.

Here's the rest of the email that contained the twin joke. Enough in it to offend just about everyone. Enjoy.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Man oh man!! F#@king awesome!! In bad taste, but still crying with laughter!! LMAO!!

 

[Timbo]

My wife asked: "Whats on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
And that's when the fight started............

 

[Timbo]

Ok. Bad taste jokes have been posted, so here's one in reply.

Little Johnny came home from school and asked: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a c×nt?"
Dad said: "Come with me son and I'll show you!"
So they both went upstairs into the bedroom where Mum was asleep on the bed. Very gently Dad lifted up Mum's skirt and whispered:
"Do you see that son? That's a pussy."
Johnny, reaching with outstretched hand, said: "Can I touch it?"
Whereupon Dad whispered hoarsely: "NO! DON'T do that son!! You'll wake the c×nt up!!"

 

[ArmyGrunt]

 

[mdwest]

DEFINITIONS:



ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper .

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

[cpr0312]

 

[Hogpatrol]

 

[Timbo]

This gimick must be the height of bad taste! Read the instructions down the left hand side. I'm very surprised this was an actually marketed product! One wonders what may be their next "gimick"? 9/11 Jenga?

 

[Timbo]

View attachment 215335

Now THAT is having a bad day! Not only being killed in a horrible manner, but your body suffering the ironic indignity to be kept in place to provide signage in ensuring the safety of other road users. An example of the height of mediocrity, surely?

 

[jpr792]

Communication lies in the detail, right...?

 

[cpr0312]

 

[Hogpatrol]

 

[Dr Ray]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Love it!!!

 

[Hogpatrol]

'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.'

 

[Hogpatrol]

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (SR-71 test pilot)

As a test pilot climbs out of an experimental plane having crashed tearing off the wings and tail, crash trucks arrive. A rescuer asks bloodied pilot, ‘What happened?' The pilot replies, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur

''The three best things in life are: A good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time'. - Ready room sign, USS Enterprise, 1969, Gulf of Tonkin

 

[CAustin]

Don't know where this is, but my gut instinct would say not to take this short cut road!!!

View attachment 214869

Short cut........funny!

 

[cpr0312]

 

[jpr792]

 

[observe]