Diary of a Mad Snow Shoveler
December 1st: The wife and I decided to move to Colorado, it was all my idea and she seems alright with it. I am so glad that we love each other so much.
December 8th: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It was the perfect picture and it was so romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I started to shovel for the first time in years and it honestly made me feel like a little boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12th: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. It was such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14th: Snow lovely snow! We got 8" of it last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life, but the snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so much.
December 15th: The weather channel said there was 20 inches of snow in the forecast. I sold my van, bought a 4x4 Blazer, snow tires for the wife's car, 2 extra shovels and I stocked the freezer. On the way I even saw a reindeer they are so majestic I love them so much. When I went home the wife told me that she wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly, we aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16th: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass while walking on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Shit hurt like hell, and the wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17th: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours, and I had to pile blankets on me to stay warm. There was nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. I guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I will never admit that to her, because I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own damn living room.
December 20th: Electricity turned back on today, but we had another 14" of the fucking slop last night, and like usual there was more shoveling. It took me all day to shovel it because the goddamn snowplow came by twice. I tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they were too busy playing hockey. Personally, I think they were all lying, so I called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they were all out. They said that they might have another shipment in March. Who the hell would want to wait that long when we’re suffering now? Bob said I had to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I’m sick of his attitude; he’s starting to piss me off.
December 21st: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a snowplow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the fucking asshole is lying, it looks like he likes to taunt me… bastard...
December 22nd: On my way to the store I saw another reindeer, God I hate those animals. I tried to run one over but I unfortunately missed. I wish someone could come and exterminate the pieces of shit.
December 23rd: Well I was pleasantly surprised we only had 2" of snow today. And it finally warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she fucking nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
December 24th: We got 6 more inches of the shit today. Snow was packed up so hard by the snowplow that I broke the shovel. For a second I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at like 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight, the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25th: Merry Fucking Christmas, 20 more inches of the fucking slop tonight, and best of all we were snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my fucking shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s fucking dumb. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to fucking murder her.
December 26th: Still snowed in. Why the hell did we ever move here? It was all HER idea... the bitch is really getting on my nerves.
December 27th: Well the temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. I am really starting to hate Colorado.
December 28th: It warmed up to above -20, we are still snowed in, and like always the retarded Christmas elf that I live with is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29th: 10 more inches came down last night. Bob says I would have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard; how dumb does he think I am?
December 30th: The roof caved in.... The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars because of the bump on the head. The wife left me and went home to her mother. Good!! She was really pissing me off.
December 31st: Well, I set fire to what's left of the house. Finally, there is no more goddamn shoveling.
January 1st: Well, some guys came over today and took me somewhere…
January 8th: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed???
