In memoriam: My wife’s passing

[Philippe]

So very sorry for your loss , @johnnyblues . Prayers and condolences

 

[Bullthrower338]

John,
So sorry for your loss brother, she is in good hands without any pain in the heavens.
may God’s love help you find comfort in this difficult time. Please reach out if you need anything.
Prayers,
Cody

 

[Jon Glajchen]

So sorry for your loss!

 

[Vanguard2279]

@johnnyblues You've been on my mind a lot recently. I pray that you are doing okay.
When my wife passed, I went through a period where I didn't want to go anywhere if she couldn't go with me. Obviously, that is not possible. That's actually how I came to start hunting in Africa. I could go and I wouldn't be alone.
My first outfitter told me a story about a previous client. The gentleman lost a wife to cancer and a son to Iraq. He wasn't "living". Pieter told me that by the end of the hunt, the guy had found a reason to go on.
Don't forget to do things for yourself. Eat. Go outside. Hug your children. Hug your dogs. They absolutely know something is wrong. My wife died on a Saturday and I went back to work on Wednesday. The walls of our home were screaming at me and I wanted to be around my support group. My daughter was with me when Caeli died, but had to go home after a couple days.
Do things as you feel you can. A lady in the building that I work in recently lost a son to an overdose. I stopped by her office and we were talking about grief and how to manage it. Can it be managed? Yes. Is it easy? No, not at all. People deal with it the best way that they can, but none of us really have a lot of experience at this so we wing it. There are books that are actually helpful at this. There is nothing wrong with using resources that are available.
Don't beat yourself up. I spent a fair amount of time torturing myself about whether I did enough for my wife by advocating for her treatment. I couldn't think of anything I should have done differently, but it didn't stop me from being angry. Her cancer was seen and ignored when she was being treated for a burst appendix after she came home from Iraq. The doctor at Nellis AFB never told her about it. If he had, it could have been dealt with fairly easy at that time.
Don't feel an obligation to get rid of her clothes. If you want to save every scrap of paper that your wife touched, do it. Nobody gets to tell you what your timeline is. It took me years to donate my wife's clothes. She had a number of evening gowns and cocktail dresses. I donated those to Cinderella's Closet at Nellis. That's what she would have wanted. I still have a couple of her dresses hanging in the closet just because.
Even with the passage of years, grief will still hit you. Particularly when you hear of someone else who has lost their spouse to cancer. A lot like it's doing to me now. Just know that we are all here for you.

 

[norfolk shooter]

@johnnyblues my thoughts are with you and your family brother. Although I'm on the other side of the pond if I can help in any way just reach out and don't be afraid to reach out to any of us. I'm sure I speak for the whole AH community when I say we are there for you

 

[CAustin]

Friends, in 2017 I came to this forum and asked for prayers for my wife as she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The amount of love and support was overwhelming to us, it truly touched our hearts. As my wife and I read the dozens of well wishes we sat and cried over the love complete strangers were showing us. With a broken heart I tell you my friends that today her heart said no more. She was so courageous over the past 5 years, never giving up hope. I’ve lost my soul mate, my best friend. Thank you all.

I was and am sorry to hear of your loss sir.

 

[rinehart0050]

Very sorry for you. Condolences and prayers.

 

[johnnyblues]

@johnnyblues You've been on my mind a lot recently. I pray that you are doing okay.
When my wife passed, I went through a period where I didn't want to go anywhere if she couldn't go with me. Obviously, that is not possible. That's actually how I came to start hunting in Africa. I could go and I wouldn't be alone.
My first outfitter told me a story about a previous client. The gentleman lost a wife to cancer and a son to Iraq. He wasn't "living". Pieter told me that by the end of the hunt, the guy had found a reason to go on.
Don't forget to do things for yourself. Eat. Go outside. Hug your children. Hug your dogs. They absolutely know something is wrong. My wife died on a Saturday and I went back to work on Wednesday. The walls of our home were screaming at me and I wanted to be around my support group. My daughter was with me when Caeli died, but had to go home after a couple days.
Do things as you feel you can. A lady in the building that I work in recently lost a son to an overdose. I stopped by her office and we were talking about grief and how to manage it. Can it be managed? Yes. Is it easy? No, not at all. People deal with it the best way that they can, but none of us really have a lot of experience at this so we wing it. There are books that are actually helpful at this. There is nothing wrong with using resources that are available.
Don't beat yourself up. I spent a fair amount of time torturing myself about whether I did enough for my wife by advocating for her treatment. I couldn't think of anything I should have done differently, but it didn't stop me from being angry. Her cancer was seen and ignored when she was being treated for a burst appendix after she came home from Iraq. The doctor at Nellis AFB never told her about it. If he had, it could have been dealt with fairly easy at that time.
Don't feel an obligation to get rid of her clothes. If you want to save every scrap of paper that your wife touched, do it. Nobody gets to tell you what your timeline is. It took me years to donate my wife's clothes. She had a number of evening gowns and cocktail dresses. I donated those to Cinderella's Closet at Nellis. That's what she would have wanted. I still have a couple of her dresses hanging in the closet just because.
Even with the passage of years, grief will still hit you. Particularly when you hear of someone else who has lost their spouse to cancer. A lot like it's doing to me now. Just know that we are all here for you.

Brother you well understand what I’m going thru. Today was a really bad day as I started to at least remove some items mainly cosmetics, ripped me up! She loved those items. I THINK or I hoped buy starting that process I could begin the healing process. I’m not sure what is right to be honest. Everywhere I turn there are memories. One would think after 5 years you can prepare for this, fortunately as crazy as this will sound she didn’t pass directly from the cancer. She contracted AFib right after her whipple surgery 5 years ago. They began a new chemo cocktail two weeks ago. Her heart was struggling to stay consistent even with her meds. Spoke to her cardiologist he suggested adding another half a pill daily. On Monday she had her second dose. At dinner she remarked to me, if I’m dying I feel ok, I’m eating well etc. That night I kissed her told her I loved her and that was my last conversation with her. She never woke up. I m guessing her heart gave up. Two crazy things too, she died the same day as her mother. Two days before I had a dream that I was on my knees with my arms around her waist saying don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. I jumped up in bed my wife said what’s wrong? Told her bad dream. At breakfast I explained the dream. Two days later…….. I once remarked to her it would be better if you’re heart was the reason you pass instead of the torture of cancer…Little did I know.

 

[davidg8480]

My heart breaks with yours and I share your sorrows.celebrate her life and hold the memories close to your sole my friend.

 

[lwaters]

Johnny so sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers are with you.

 

[Mort Hill]

Johnny, I just saw your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I lift you up my friend with prayers of peace and comfort as you grieve, and for a strength that can only come from above to endure. Words are insufficient. Just know that my heart aches for you.

 

[Bob Nelson 35Whelen]

Friends, in 2017 I came to this forum and asked for prayers for my wife as she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The amount of love and support was overwhelming to us, it truly touched our hearts. As my wife and I read the dozens of well wishes we sat and cried over the love complete strangers were showing us. With a broken heart I tell you my friends that today her heart said no more. She was so courageous over the past 5 years, never giving up hope. I’ve lost my soul mate, my best friend. Thank you all.

@johnnyblues
My thought and prayers are with you and your family.
May your God give you comfort in these times of sadness.
Bob

 

[johnnyblues]

Johnny, I just saw your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I lift you up my friend with prayers of peace and comfort as you grieve, and for a strength that can only come from above to endure. Words are insufficient. Just know that my heart aches for you.

Thank you brother.

 

[Vanguard2279]

Brother you well understand what I’m going thru. Today was a really bad day as I started to at least remove some items mainly cosmetics, ripped me up! She loved those items. I THINK or I hoped buy starting that process I could begin the healing process. I’m not sure what is right to be honest. Everywhere I turn there are memories. One would think after 5 years you can prepare for this, fortunately as crazy as this will sound she didn’t pass directly from the cancer. She contracted AFib right after her whipple surgery 5 years ago. They began a new chemo cocktail two weeks ago. Her heart was struggling to stay consistent even with her meds. Spoke to her cardiologist he suggested adding another half a pill daily. On Monday she had her second dose. At dinner she remarked to me, if I’m dying I feel ok, I’m eating well etc. That night I kissed her told her I loved her and that was my last conversation with her. She never woke up. I m guessing her heart gave up. Two crazy things too, she died the same day as her mother. Two days before I had a dream that I was on my knees with my arms around her waist saying don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. I jumped up in bed my wife said what’s wrong? Told her bad dream. At breakfast I explained the dream. Two days later…….. I once remarked to her it would be better if you’re heart was the reason you pass instead of the torture of cancer…Little did I know.

Johnny, you don't have to get rid anything yet. My wife's cosmetics sat by her sink for years. I did things in small doses as I felt I could deal with them. When I was talking with the co-worker whose son recently died from the curse of addiction, we discussed the ways that people deal with the loved one's worldly goods. Some people immediately gather and donate all of their possessions. I don't have an answer other than to say that doing that too quickly can cause someone to get rid of things that they might have wanted to keep. They don't have to be things that you use. Just having them there helps. My wife was 40 when she passed. She had a lot of cute clothes. I let my daughter (who loved her) and my wife's friends go through her closet and take clothes/shoes/pashminas/etc. that meant things to them. They are tangible ways to remember someone. One friend took the various polo shirts from the New Embassy Compound (Baghdad). She wears them to remember her.
Your recounting of your dream hit me. WE know what the fight against a merciless illness is like. Lots of hope, fear, desperation. I remember the day that the doctor told my wife that the cancer had significantly progressed and she could quit treating. I saw my wife's stunned face and told him that we would keep fighting. I also remember when she was in the hospital for the last time and the doctor told me that she had only days or weeks left. It was only a few days. I held her hand while she died. It didn't help that it became obvious in the end that her parents and siblings didn't consider me family. Her ex-husband was family. I digress. This isn't about me.
I don't know what your work schedule is like, but plan something for yourself. It sounds selfish, but it isn't. It's easy to not be able to see anything in front of you except for the next breath or the next step. And it's really easy to forget that there is a future.
In truth, people can be really uncomfortable with grief. They want to help, but really don't know how. Sometimes, this comes out as helpful suggestions that don't help. This is your timeline. Heal the best way you can, but don't be afraid to ask for help.
Random acts of kindness to others that you don't know warm the heart and assuage grief.

 

[kesha]

Sorry to hear of your loss Johnnyblues. Prayers to your family during this time.

 

[BobT]

So sorry for your loss, thoughts and prayers are with you !

 

[kevin masters]

Johnny we have never met but I feel like we know each other .I prayed diligently when you posted about this before! I have felt the love and prayer of this community as I struggled with my own cancer diagnosis! I am so sorry for your loss , my heart broke reading your words. That being said it sounds as if god blessed you both with peace! I will continue to pray for you and family in the coming months!
I cannot imagine the depth of your grief but in 2nd Corinthians 12 9-10 god tells us his strength is sufficient for us and his strength is made perfect in our weakness. Love you brother and praying!!!

 

[johnnyblues]

Johnny we have never met but I feel like we know each other .I prayed diligently when you posted about this before! I have felt the love and prayer of this community as I struggled with my own cancer diagnosis! I am so sorry for your loss , my heart broke reading your words. That being said it sounds as if god blessed you both with peace! I will continue to pray for you and family in the coming months!
I cannot imagine the depth of your grief but in 2nd Corinthians 12 9-10 god tells us his strength is sufficient for us and his strength is made perfect in our weakness. Love you brother and praying!!!

Breaks my heart to hear you now are struggling with you own cancer diagnosis. The love and support this community gives is unrivaled. I’m saddened deeply saddened when I hear someone has cancer. Her illness has forever changed me. I pray you beat it!

 

[Tobe]

So sad to hear, My deepest condolences

 

[wlambert]

So very sorry to hear this.