Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[Silence]

Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.” “Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”

 

[Silence]

As a teacher I often send home notes with children to inform the parents that their child’s behavior can use some improvement. I received the following letter from one student’s father, “Dear Mrs Green, Harry is sorry he didn’t do his homework last night, he will never do it again.”

 

[Silence]

As a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in the body. After my lecture I asked the class the following: “Why is it that if I would turn upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but when I stand upright my feet don’t turn red?” I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, “that’s cuz your feet aint empty!”.

 

[Silence]

Recently divorced, I moved back to my home town hoping to start over again. A few weeks later, while making a dentist appointment, I was surprised to see I recognized the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from my high school 20 years ago. However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, I quickly realized he must be someone else. He was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older than me. Just to be sure though, on my way out I asked him if he went to the high school that I had attended. “Yeah”, he responded, “I graduated in 91.” “Oh my gosh”, I excitedly said “you were in my class.” “Really”, he said that’s interesting, “what class did you teach?”

 

[Silence]

PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” TEACHER – “Of course not.” PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

 

[Silence]

After sending our son away to college, he would often [to often] call up asking for money. One time when he called my husband answered, “sure we will send you money” he said, “and I also noticed that you left your Physics book here, should we send that also?” “Uh, oh yeah, OK,” he responded. I asked him afterward how much he sent up “$1,100” he said. When I gave him a surprised look, he explained, “Don’t worry, I taped a $100 check on the cover, and the other $1000 check inside the cover!

 

[Silence]

A man walked into the office in a school. “Excuse me,” he said to the secretary “I would like to come to school, I want to learn to read and write.” “OK,” the secretary responded in a bored voice, “just fill out this form.”

 

[Silence]

A Teacher was once giving a big test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to the test with a $100 bill underneath, “one dollar per point please” the note said The teacher returned the test the next day with $40 and a note attached, it said “$40 change!”

 

[Silence]

There were four teenagers who played hooky one morning. Upon coming to class in the afternoon, they reported that their lateness was because their car got a flat tire. That’s fine the teacher said much to the students relief. But there was an oral test this morning which you boys have to make up, so please have a seat and take out a piece of paper. “Now for the first question, which tire was flat!”

 

[Kata]

A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog. “Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.” They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp. The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard. Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog. “Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.” “Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband. “I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!

 

[Kata]

“Mom, can I have an animal cracker?” asked 3 year old Bob. “Sure Bob,” said his mom. “Open up the box, and take a few.” Forty five minutes later Bob’s mother walked into the kitchen. “Bob, why’d you spill out all of the animal crackers, and what are you looking for?” “It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken.” Bob replied “I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.” The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene. Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.” “It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Dan hated dogs, he hated them with a passion. One morning Dan was driving his car down a busy street when to his surprise he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with 2 big dogs after him. “ I’ve just got to save this guy”, thought Dan, and with that he quickly sped up along side of him, rolled down his window, and screamed “hurry, hop in!” “Thanks!” said the fellow opening the door, “it’s always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me!”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q. Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long? A. If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot!

 

[HunterMarkus]

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie! I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!” “Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down. “Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied. What was your previous job? I asked incredulously. “I ran a morg.” Was the reply.

 

[HunterMarkus]

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”

 

[HunterMarkus]

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children. We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, “Dad, what’s going to happen to us when you die?” My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. “We’ll go in the limousine dummy.”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.” So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?” “I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?” “How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?” “Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!” “Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!” “Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”