Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party?
A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.

 

[Bruce]

So, this PH and his client are sitting in the famous Nairobi Country Club bar, discussing and reliving the 21 day safari hunt they had just completed. They were unshaven and looking like they HAD just completed the safari.. and thirsty, downing cold beer after cold beer. So, in walks this very posh, well dressed gentleman of distinguished looks, who ends up next to them at the bar and orders his G & T.
Overhearing their conversion and not liking what he was hearing about the killing of the lion, leopard and buffalo etc, he chipped in and asked them if they were now proud of themselves for this barbaric behaviour?
The rough looking PH grumbled back that he suggested this ignoramus should leave poste haste and return whence he came and what was he asking such crap for anyway, in this well reputed establishment of hunting history.
With great indignation, the gentleman sniffed, straightened his back and replied.. "I 'll have you know that I am a Country Member"......
the PH look at him for a long few moments and replied... "OK... I'll remember !! "

 

[HunterMarkus]

Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry!

 

[HunterMarkus]

Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack. The Mexican and white guy say, "Hey, you have something hanging out of your ass." The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: How easy is it to count in binary?
A: It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

 

[HunterMarkus]

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

 

[HunterMarkus]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

 

[HunterMarkus]

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

 

[HunterMarkus]

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

 

[HunterMarkus]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."