Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[HunterMarkus]

Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!

 

[HunterMarkus]

Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
A: Because their belts are on their hats.

 

[James.Grage]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

 

[James.Grage]

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I'm sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce. I just cannot tolerate any more of her constant complaining. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I'm telling you first, Jerry, because you're the oldest. Please tell your sister."

When Jerry calls his sister Julie in Miami, she says: "No way are they getting divorced. I'll go there for Thanksgiving and talk them out of it."

Julie phones here father and tells him: "You must not get divorced. Promise me you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Jerry and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action. Please listen to me." Then she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone, turns to his wife Frances and says, "Good news! Jerry and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving, and they're both paying their own way."

 

[James.Grage]

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

 

[James.Grage]

The trooper pulled over the car and said to the driver. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The guy replied, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

"Yes ..."

"That's my wife. Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat?"

"Yes ..."

"That’s my mother-in-law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up."

"Follow me. I'll escort you home with lights and siren."

 

[James.Grage]

 

[hunting4sanity]

James, James, James, some things just can't be unseen! My wife is wondering why I was asking for a scouring pad to use on my eyes.

 

[hunting4sanity]

UNBELIEVABLE TRAIL CAM PHOTO
I was checking one of my trail cameras and came across a very shocking photo!

If I'm not mistaken that's a brick of Blazer 22lr ammo! Maybe it does actually exist.

 

[Rob404]

A man walks into his Favorite bar and orders a Double Jack Daniels Straight up.
The bartenders says, Hitting it a Little hard today ain't you Jim,
Yea the guys says, I just found out my Fathers Gay,
Jeez the bartenders says thats bad news this round is on the house,
A couple days later the same guy walks in and orders another double Jack Daniels.
Whats wrong today Jim Inquires the bartender?
I just found out my son is gay
Holy Crap says the bartender doesn't anybody in your house beside you like Pussy?
Yea replies Jim,,,My Wife

 

[hnterfl]

Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

[hnterfl]

"Do Not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
-Elbert Hubbard

 

[hnterfl]

"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."
-W. H. Auden

 

[hunting4sanity]

This one isn't directed to anyone on AH, but I know quite a few people who it fits to a "T."

 

[Bullthrower338]

A man and his son walk into a bar,
Bartender, set us up with two shots of whiskey!
What are you celebrating? asks the bartender.
My son is celebrating his first blow job. The father proudly says.
Well hell, let me buy you a beer!
The son replies... If the shot of whiskey doesn't get the taste out of my mouth a beer won't either.
Poor dad fell off his barstool

 

[hunting4sanity]

Not a funny one, but a sad commentary on how things have changed.

 

[HunterMarkus]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[HunterMarkus]

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

 

[HunterMarkus]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.